"Through the Mirror: Rethinking Beauty"

Hey Everyone,

How is your morning going?

Mornings have become my favorite time of day—though that wasn’t always the case. When I was working, mornings were a source of stress, filled with nerves about what lay ahead. Now, they feel more peaceful, like a fresh start.

But today, as I was getting ready, something hit me hard.

I was looking in the mirror, just doing my hair, when I felt sucker-punched by the reflection staring back at me.

Have you ever had that moment? That sharp, unshakable pain when you look in the mirror and think: I am not beautiful?

For most of my life, that pain was my reality—the absolute helplessness of knowing that, no matter what I did, I would never be one of those beautiful girls.

The Story I Believed About Myself

Here’s the thing about being "ugly" (at least in my experience)—you feel like no one will ever want you. You assume you’ll either end up alone or have to work extra hard to gain the attention of a man who, deep down, you don’t truly desire.

And honestly? My experience proved that fear right. I hated dating. I barely did it, and by my early thirties, I had given up on the idea entirely.

I saw how beautiful girls effortlessly drew attention. Men pursued them, doors opened for them. Meanwhile, no matter how hard I tried, I would never achieve that effortless "beautiful" status. So, I took what felt like my only option—I became the tomboy.

Hiding in the Tomboy Persona

As a kid, I secretly loved dancing. I used to turn my music up embarrassingly loud and dance in my room where no one could see me. I would have loved to take dance lessons, but I was too insecure.

So instead, I played sports.

And honestly? It fit like a glove.

I was decent at softball, and it gave me a certain amount of attention—which, let's be real, everyone craves in some way. It gave me a connection to my parents, my grandparents, something to talk about with people.

But the truth was, I dreaded every softball season. I literally prayed for rain every single day from spring to summer for ten years straight.

I was so conflicted. I loved the attention, but I hated what sports represented for me. Every time I put on that ball uniform, every time I hit the ball further than other girls or threw it from center field to home plate, I was reminded:

I was better at being a boy than I was at being a girl.

I hated that I was more comfortable in cleats than in a sparkling dress. That I could throw a ball across the field but couldn’t curl my hair. That I could hit home runs but couldn’t do a simple cartwheel.

For ten years, I told myself that this was just who I was.

I thought, This must be how God made me.

So, I leaned into it. I worked harder, became the A-student, the obedient athlete, the responsible one. And I was miserable.

What I Wish I Had Known

Looking back, I realize something heartbreaking—if I had told my parents how I really felt, they would have helped me.

If they knew I wanted to dance, I’m sure they would have signed me up for classes instead of sports. If I had told my mom how ugly and fat I felt, she would have guided me. But I didn’t have the words when I was little. And by the time I was older, I was too ashamed to admit that I wanted to be feminine.

So, instead, I judged.

I started telling myself that beauty was vain and foolish. That beautiful girls were shallow. That they should be thinking about things deeper than skin. I fed myself those thoughts not because they were true, but because they made me feel better.

The Fantasy Escape

My only real release was writing.

At eight years old, my mom gave me a little computer that connected to an old TV monitor, and it had a typing program. I started using it to create stories—fantasy worlds where I was beautiful.

Confession: Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie from the late ‘80s or early ‘90s? There was this boy character (I think his name was Danny). I had a ridiculous crush on him. So, at eight years old, I started writing scenes where I was his friend, and he thought I was pretty. In those stories, I looked different. I was different.

That’s when my love for writing began—because in my stories, I could be beautiful, I could dance, I could be loved.

Fast forward twenty years, and reality hadn’t changed much.

I was still dressing in baggy clothes, still working in male-dominated spaces, still avoiding weddings and baby showers because I felt out of place.

I was still rejecting beauty.

Overthrowing the Story

Everything changed about six years ago when I had a realization that flipped my foundation:

God created romance.

The very first human relationship in the Bible wasn’t a friendship—it was a marriage. God made two genders for a reason. And if femininity was part of His design, then beauty must matter.

At first, I assumed beauty was all about inner character. And while inner beauty is important, if I’m being honest…

I also want to be beautiful on the outside.

And I know I’m not alone in that. The beauty industry is a billion-dollar industry for a reason. People crave beauty—both seeing it and being it.

Then I remembered something my grandma used to say:

"Beauty is as Beauty does."

It reminded me of a couple of Bible verses: "By grace we are saved" and "God gives grace to the humble."

Fun fact: The Hebrew word for grace (khen) means beauty, elegance, and something worth treasuring.

That means:

We are saved by beauty. (Even in everyday life, beautiful women are more easily "saved" or helped.)
To gain beauty, we must cultivate humility.

And true humility isn’t just recognizing our flaws—it’s also recognizing our gifts.

Creating Beauty, Becoming Beautiful

For years, I thought my purpose was just to be a servant, to work hard, to help others build their dreams. But if I’m made in the image of a Creator, doesn’t that mean I’m meant to create?

Not just to serve, but to bring something new into the world?

I started wondering: If I began creating beauty—through writing, through expression, through the way I live—would I, in turn, become beautiful?

I don’t have the answer yet. But I’m exploring it.

Last year, I wrote a book. This year, I’m starting this blog. I haven’t "arrived" at beauty yet (clearly, given this blog started with a mirror-induced crisis 😂), but I can tell you—I love my life more now than ever before.

And weirdly enough? My surroundings are shifting too. My space is becoming more beautiful. My life feels lighter.

Maybe beauty is something we create.

Maybe doing beauty makes us become beautiful.

I’m still figuring it out. But for the first time, I believe it’s possible.

And I hope that someday, I’ll look in the mirror and not flinch.

Thanks for sticking with me through this rabbit trail.

Wishing you all a beautiful day. 💛

Jacqueline Marie