Hi Everyone!
How are you all doing on this beautiful day? With my birthday just around the corner, I’ve been hit with a strange realization—I’m middle-aged. How did that happen? Seriously? It feels like I blinked, and now I have gray hair. Being single and without kids, it’s like living in a time warp. My life hasn’t changed much year after year, so I didn’t see myself aging. But then my friends' kids started graduating, getting married, and suddenly… it hit me. And let me tell you, it's a shock to the system.
I don’t know if women can have midlife crises, but I sure feel like I’m in the middle of one. I’m changing my life, doing things I probably should have done in my twenties. And sometimes, it makes me feel like I wasted all those years. Learning new things now feels like an old dog trying to learn new tricks.
That being said, I know that every stage of my life brought me to where I am today. So, no regrets. But I do have moments where I wonder about my life choices.
A Drastic Decision at 40
The year I turned forty, I did something crazy. I quit working.
Not just my job—I quit working altogether. I didn’t have much savings (I had just paid off a loan), but I knew how to live on very little. I figured I could last six months.
The shocking part? The reason I quit.
That year, my entire belief system was flipped upside down. After six and a half years of reading the Bible—four of those years reading it four times a year—something shifted.
I had been reading all this time, but my core beliefs stayed the same. I just became stronger in what I already thought was true. But that year? That year, my entire Gospel changed.
The Foundation Starts Cracking
Of course, my life had already been primed for a shake-up.
I was working long hours, convinced that if I was truly serving God, He would somehow show me He was pleased. I didn’t know how exactly—maybe through blessings, favor, or just a deep sense of knowing I was on the right path.
I know people say that God rewards us in the afterlife, but that idea never sat right with me.
There’s a verse that says He rewards in this life and the next. (Not to mention the verses that talk about Him being abundant.)
God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow—and when Israel followed Him, they were blessed in this life.
It doesn’t make sense for a loving father to tell his kids, “Work now, suffer through life, and maybe I’ll reward you after you die.” What kind of parenting strategy is that?
So there I was—working like crazy, paying off a library building I had purchased to read the Bible out loud for anyone who wanted to listen. It seemed like the ultimate way to serve God.
I assumed, Of course, the Lord would be pleased with this. Of course, He would want everyone to hear His Bible.
And yet, for all my sacrifice, I was exhausted. I was lonely. I was sad.
But I pushed through. Because I believed God didn’t care about my feelings. I thought He was proud of me for ignoring my emotions and doing the right thing anyway.
A Wake-Up Call—Literally
Then came the health scare. At the time, I didn’t take it seriously. I thought, I’m working for the Lord, so He’ll take care of me. It never occurred to me that maybe He was taking care of me by warning me.
A year and a half before I turned forty, my back pain got so bad that I finally saw a chiropractor. I expected a simple adjustment. Instead, I got something else entirely.
The chiropractor came in, sat down directly in front of me, locked eyes, and said, “I NEVER do this… but what do you do for a living?”
I was confused. I told her I was just a secretary.
Her response? “You need to quit.”
I half-laughed. I have a snarky inner voice, and it immediately said, And I also have to pay bills, including yours.
She looked… nervous. And dramatic. And I wasn’t buying it.
Then she showed me my test results.
“You are at stroke levels.”
She pointed to a section on my report. Green meant healthy. Yellow meant caution. Red meant danger. The section measuring my head had a red bar off the page.
“I NEVER do this,” she repeated, “but you need to quit. The sooner the better.”
I told her, Quitting would make me more stressed, not less.
She insisted, but I brushed it off. I did a few chiropractic sessions and moved on.
Fast forward a year—I ended up in the ER with a migraine so bad I thought I might actually be having a stroke.
The Light Bulb Moment
So, here I was at 40. My life was empty. I was exhausted. And now, for the first time, resentment started creeping in.
I felt guilty for that. Because it’s not about me, right? It’s about serving God.
I told myself: Suck it up, Buttercup. Stop whining. You’re just being a bad Christian.
Then, one day, I heard something that changed everything. A guy online was talking about how God is a matchmaker. He pointed out that the first relationship God created wasn’t a friendship—it was a marriage.
God created romance.
And suddenly, dominoes started falling. I had been denying my desire for romance, assuming it was foolish and self-centered. I thought I was supposed to deny myself in order to serve the Lord.
When I compared my beliefs about men to my beliefs about God, something became painfully clear: I believed that men only wanted a woman who was useful. That a man would never love me for me or my beauty, but maybe—maybe—he’d love me for my resume.
And that’s exactly how I saw God. I thought God didn’t want me for me—He wanted a servant. I thought if I worked hard enough, sacrificed enough, denied myself enough, then maybe He would accept me.
Romance: To Know and Be Known
When I truly started believing that God valued romance, my entire perspective shifted.
I realized I had been serving a false version of God—one who cared more about my performance than me. I didn’t think God wanted to hear about my hopes, dreams, or feelings. To clarify, I assumed He already knew those things (because, of course, He knows everything), but I believed He wanted me to deny them—to suppress everything that made me me… everything that made me Jacqueline Marie.
This new belief that God valued romance led me down a journey of questioning everything:
What is true romance?
Why did God create it?
Why does it matter?
What’s the deal with all the servant and martyrdom verses?
I have a lot to say about that, but for now, I’ll leave you with this:
I believe "To Know and Be Known" is a simple statement that beautifully captures the essence of real romance.
To Know – True romance is the desire to understand the other person on a deep level—their heart, dreams, fears, and essence. It’s about truly seeing them for who they are.
To Be Known – The other side of romance is the ability to be fully yourself—vulnerable, unguarded, and still loved. It’s the security of knowing you don’t have to perform or prove yourself to be valued.
And I believe this is exactly what God wants. The first relationship He created was a romantic one—not a master and servant, not just a friendship, but a husband and wife.
He wants to know us and for us to know Him. And the more I get to know God for who He truly is (not what I initially believed Him to be), the more I believe He is revealing me to myself.
Because here’s the thing about a servant—they are not truly known. Not by name. Not personally. The Bible makes a clear distinction: God will either say, “Depart from me, I never knew you” or He will call you by name.
So now, I’m convinced. My mind has been renewed. My story is being rewritten. And the next chapter is still unfolding.
Until next time, I hope you all have a wonderful day!
Jacqueline Marie
John 10:3
..... and He calls his own sheep by name...."
Matthew 7:23
"And then I will declare to them, "I never knew you, depart from Me......."